My Little Short Stories 2- Paradise Edition
by TornadoandTwilight
Summary: A new batch of short stories, brought to you by the one and only- Paradise? Follow the accounts of this Pegasus librarian of a pony community! (Art by L.V. 914)
1. Chapter 1

_Another day in Paradise_

"Paradise! I thought Majesty told you to clean up this library! Nobody's been able to find anything in here!"

"Paradise! Where's that book on practical jokes I asked you for?! Fizzy and I want to pull a really neat prank on Shady!"

"Paradise! Weayah is thait book on Mustagian teas? Ah need a good recipe cause my mama is visitin;' tommorah!"

"Paradise! I need a book on harmony bearer Fluttershy's work with animals for a school book report! You promised you'd help me find it!"

"Paradise! Clean this place up!"

"Paradise! Get me the ladder for the top Shelf!"

"Paradise!"

"Paradise!"

"PARADISE!"

All day, every day, Good old Paradise- our pony community's resident Pegasus Librarian, is always grabbing books and completing tasks for the eager patrons who require my services. A book on thermodynamics for Wind Whistler, a book on the great escape artist Horsedini for Locket, or the newest Romance novel for Heart Throb. And when I'm not getting books for them, it cleaning off these ancient and dusty shelves, or filing, or cataloguing the new books coming in or being thrown out in the discard pile.

Mind you, this isn't a totally bad thing for me. Books are my special talent, after all- I love the smell of dusty tomes, love the feel of those yellowing pages under my hooves. But it is fantasy stories are my favorite subject, tales of enchantment and wonder. Wizards and witches, handsome princes and damsels in distress, enchanted swards and fearsome fire-breathing dragons... these are the wonderful tales I grew up on.

My friend Twilight and I, we both love reading these fantastic tales, and every Sunday we take over the library on my day off to read these exciting stories to each other. One day, we're searching through an old haunted house, trying to uncover the mystery of why the poor pony soul is trapped there. Another day, Twilight and I are brave shield maidens, clad in armor and fighting our way through a horde of goblins armed with sword and shield. Reading these books are an escape from the ordinary, and let's the two of us feel extraordinary.

But while Twilight loves the magic aspect of fairy tales, for me it is the sense of wonder. Other ponies ridicule me for how much I believe in the fantastic- I love human world concepts of Bigfoot, aliens, and the Loch Ness monster. But why is it so hard for them to believe in the improbable? I think the idea of some of these far-out concepts exciting. And besides, to most of the humans of the other world, intelligent, talking ponies whose numbers include Pegasus and unicorns are an improbable things that don't exist? Yet here we are, in defiance of all those dumb skeptics and their dumb skepticism. What do those stuck up sticks in the mud know, anyway?

But these books, they and thier stories are what I live for. Why even now, I'm reading this latest adventure book from fort rainbow dash, about amare who survived an airship crash far out at sea, and must survive in a wild untamed wilderness woth only her wits and whatever tools she can find to protect her. With a few minor tweaks, her story becomes my own, and I am quickly immersed in this exciting tale as I read on...

I'm off in the hot an steamy jungle; a humanoid pony girl, alone and trapped on a tropical desert island. Armed with only a spear, four weeks of living on the edge of this island have reduced my clothing to a primitive tribal skirt and top. Realizing I finally need to explore the island, I hack and slash my way through the undergrowth, avoiding dangerous predators and perilous pitfalls. As I make my way across the island, I see smoke rising from a clearing, and hear strange chanting, following the sounds, I soon arrive at a village full of natives.

Ohhh, they are a fierce bunch- a group of savage earth ponies, their faces covered by tribal markings, feathers decorating the rings around their hooves. Scanning the village, I see them all standing around a pot of boiling water, chanting "walla walla willa walla", while roasting the poor pony trapped inside. But when I learn in closer, I see the poor Pegasus they captured is none other than Trucker, Four Speed's twin brother (whose only marked difference is his wings) that disappeared on a sea voyage months ago! Thinking quickly, I cut free a vine from the tree I'm sitting in, and swing down to pull him out of the boiling water.

"Are you okay?" I ask, as I heroically swinging the stallion back to safety. "Those Neanderthals hurt you?

"No time!" He yells in a panic, pointing a finger back at the angry savages rushing towards us. "We got company!"

Our wings too soaked from the water, the two of us race towards the beach, the army of savages in hot pursuit. Spears and blowgun dart whiz past our heads, as he can feel their hot breath on the back of our necks. It isn't long before we reach the beach... and the two of us realize that we're trapped.

"Oh, no!" The white stallion clad in nothing but a loincloth- a skimpy, ab-revealing loincloth wet from the water he had been boiling in (*pant pant pant pant pant pant pant pant*) wailed. "We're trapped, what are we going to do now?!"

"Don't worry!" I declare, standing in front of him, raising my spear at the oncoming tribal horde. "I'll protect you!"

The nearest savage raises his weapon, and is about to strike, when-

"Paradise, could you come help me? I can't find that book on astrological forecasts for the coming year!"

Oh dear! We'll have to continue this later, duty calls!

*Sigh* Why can't Galaxy find her own astrology book?!


	2. Chapter 2

_Another Day in Paradise, part 2_

"There you go, Galaxy! Right in the astronomy section, right where I said it would be!" I exclaim to the parting unicorn, before I rushed back over to my waiting book. "Have fun making this year's forecasts!"

Having finally gotten Dream Castle's mystical- talking astrologer out of my mane, I was hoping to finally return to my book. But I quickly realized this was not to be, as I heard the sound of flapping wings behind me. "Now what?" I groaned. With a sigh, I turned around, expecting to find another distraction- er, I mean another Pegasus customer needing my help to find a book. What I saw instead was looking into the most beautiful pair of deep blue eyes I had ever seen in my entire flanking life.

"Oh, hey there, Paradise!" The perfectly sculpted mass of horse flesh attached to those wonderful eyes addressed me. "Hope I'm not disturbing you, but Sweet Stuff told me I'd find you in here!"

"Oh! Hello, Trucker!" I reply, blushing in embarrassment with the object of my earlier fantasizing standing in front of me. "Y-you looking for a book?"

"Actually, I had heard you got a new adventure book in." He replied, grinning. "And you know how much I love those, especially ones with lotsa _action_!"

Oh boy, o I ever know that! Unlike his sibling, Trucker's cutie mark doesn't indicate a love of fast moving vehicles. Rather, it's an indicator of his love of fantastic adventures- in fact, he'sgone through every action and adventure book in my fiction section already. That's... kind of the main reason I have a thing for him, us both having the same passion, and all.

"Oh, I was just reading it right now." I reply, gesturing to the open hardcover on the table with my hoof. "But I can let you check it out, and I'll finish reading it when you return it."

"Oh no, that wouldn't be fair to you!" He replied, sitting down in on of the chairs. "I have an idea... why don't we both read it from where you left off, and then I'll take it home and read the first part later!"

I knew he was just trying to be nice, spoiling the ending for himself just so I can finish. But it would be fun to have such a handsome stallion reading one of my stories wit me, so I sit down and pick up the book with my wings. As i begin to read again, we are both drawn back into the world between the pages...

...

"I have a better idea!" The injured stallion declares, tackling the tribal pony, and taking his spear. "Why don't we both fight these brutes of, together!"

Nodding in agreement, I jump into battle beside him, thrusting my spear this way and that. Together, we send many of the savages flying, felling our foes right and left, and sending the remaining fiends scurrying off into the jungle. But we have no time to celebrate, as a darlk shadow emerges from the trees, and the cruel leader of the pony tribe stands before us.

"Bah! Those worthless buffoons can't do anything right!" A tall, hideous looking anthropomorphic pig woman snorts. "If I want Dream Valley ponies cooked up into a beauty potion for my _lovely_ and radiant skin, I guess I'll have to do it, myself!"

"Oh no, it's the evil swine sorceress, Porcina!" I declare, raising my spear defensively. "The evil witch who turns ponies to glass with a touch!"

"Fear not, my lovely maiden most fair!" Trucker replied, raising his spear next to mine. "For we shall fell this foul beast... together!"

The witch suddenly lunged at us , and the battle was quickly joined between hoer, heroine, and villainess. Magic bolts flew from her hooftips, turning the trees to glass as we dodged this way and that. Trucker and I quickly leapt in and out, stabbing here and their on her fat, slobbery body with our spears wherever we could find and opening . Frustrated at our success, the morbidly obese witch leapt into the air and came down, trying to crush us from above. Seeing our opportunity, we both leapt out of the way, then thrust our spears up into her bloated abdomen.

"AGUGHHHHHH!" She squealed, as black liquid and puss oozed out. "You stupid little ponies have destroooooyyyed meeee! Aguaghhhhh!"

And so, the foul beast died at our hands. The tribal ponies, grateful at finally being liberated from their slavery to the evil witch, take us back to their village to celebrate, roasting a freshly killed pig sorceress over an open fire for our feast. there in the shadow of the campfire, we gaze into each others eyes longingly, having bonded over the adventure we had shared together.

"I.. .never got the chance to thank you for saving me, Paradise." Trucker said with a smile, lying next to me on the soft sand. "You were really wonderful out there."

"You weren't so bad yourself, speed boy. "I reply flirtatiously moving closer to him. "In fact, I wonder just how fast and dangerous an adventure pony like you really is..."

Putting our arms around each other , our lips gently press together in the shadow of the crackling firelight. Our few crude garments quickly shed, our two Pegasus bodies became one in the passionate heat of the jungle, as we-

...

"Hey Paradise, you in here?!" Moondancer's voice echoed through the library, as she came trotting inside. "Locket wanted me to find a book for her on security systems, and- HOLY HORSEMASTER WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING ON THE LIBRARY FLOOR!?"

Needless to say, Trucker and I had a _lot_ of explaining to do... ah ha ha...

... ohhhhh boy.


	3. Chapter 3

_My Chief joy at easter_

Top o' the mornin' ta ya, lads and lasses, hope you're having a fine Spring Festival on this fine day! Oh, such fun it would be, ta be a foal on a holiday like this! Colrin' yer eggs, watin' fer a basket o' candy from the Easter Pony- Aye remeber the joys o' this holidy from when aye was a wee colt. Ah, the memories-

Och, beggin yer pardin, aye should introduce meself! Me name's Chief, and I be Dream Valley's lead fire pony. Perhaps ya've seen me around the castle, the big white stallion with the red hose cutie mark, and the blue and white mane. I spend most of me days travelin around the valley, puttin out fires both inside and outside the castle. It's not an easy task, ta be certain. But when I hack through that door inna burnin buildin, and carry a cryin' and terrified filly ta her thankful parents- tis' a rewardin' enough task ta be doin my dangerous and deadly job, says I!

Och, yer be wondrin about my accent, eh? Tis true, ol Chief is cartainly a native of Dream Valley. The isle of Pony be my home, far across the great sea, where I was raised from a young foal. I knew early in me life that fightin' fires was me callin'. Aye helped put out a nasty one in me grandfather's barn as a colt, to be sure. But me wanderings in my teen years brought me far and wide ta the confederacy, and with no firefighters in Dream Valley- well, there was a wide open space fer me special talent, there was.

I also found a space fer myself in the heart of a clever young lass here in the valley, me lovely Wind Whistler. A sharp and clever mind she has; smar as a whip, and twice as fast. But ach,, she's praobably already tol ye about tha', and that's not what Paradise wanted me ta talk about today, anyway. No, Ah'm here at tell ye about one particular Spring Festival ah attended in Bright Balley- the holiday the humans call easter. It was a day I'll never forget, to be sure, in all the days of me life that come aftar.

Bein' Dream Castle's lone firefighter, I was asked one particular year ta come to the annual Bright Valley Spring Parade, I was. Bein' the nice and hospitable sort, the fireponies of Bright Valley let me ride on top o' the engine with them, throwing candy down fer all the little fillies an' colts ta pick up. Now, notgettin' a chance fer recognition much in me line o' work, I jumped at the chance to ride in a parade, with siren's ablazin, and lights flashin! And all the happy an' smilin faces o' the little oneswas reward enough ta satisfy me to be certain.

But it ws then I noticed all o' the little foals were not enjoyin' the parade, I did. One sad little filly, a blue lass with a purple mane, seemed ta not be able ta get the candy, not movin as fast as her little friends as they scarmbled fer the candy. It was then that I was seen' she had a bad leg, an' was barely tollin along to get th' little choclate sweets and fruit candies we were tosin' to the lads and lasses. She was a little filly come up from new Equestria, she was, 'ere to recieve treament on 'er legs from the unicorn doctors. The sight o' her touched somethin' in me heart, it did, and I decided I was going to do something about it!

"Ach, bring tha' little lass up here!" I told the other fireponies. "So tha' she kin ride beside me!" Seein' the limp in her leg, an' knowin my intent to try an' brighten the little lass's spirits, the lads pulled her up, and put her beside us to ride on the truck. The little lass- who's name was Hopscotch, aye lytar learned- seemed really pleased ta get ta throw the candy out hersalf. She loved the sounds o' the big red engine's siren a blazin' in her ear, she did. An she loved looking back on the unicorn marchin' band behind us, an' the pony clowns goofin' off in front of us! Ta be sure, I've never in all me years seen a filly so excited or so happy!

But it didn't end there for the lass, on no! After the parade, we made shore she was farst in line for the easter pony, an' she even got a whole basket of eggs aftar she got to sit in the easter pony's lap, she did! Hopscotch then got 'er picture takin' with the whole fire brigade, before we returned her to her greatful parents (who had been more than happy to give thar permession when we farst brought her on th' truck, aye might add.) Ahad aye really think we made tha' sweet little pony's day that Spring Festtival, tha' we most certainly did!

So ta all yah laddies and lasses celebratin' the holiday this Spring, please spare a' kind ward an action for the ponies less fourtunate tha' you. Far while yah may be enjoyin a sweet load of candy, and havin' a good time colorin yer eggs, thiar may be a pony out there who canna even lift a hoof ta color an egg! Now, if ye'll excuse me, aye hear the fire bell ringin' over me head. Aye need ta ger me red firepony's helmet an' axe, an head ta the ponies tha' need me most! But aye'll never ferget the little filly whose happiness, despite her own misery an pain, made this holiday even more special for this foolish old stallion. Anyway, happy spring festival to ye all!

_Beannachtaí na Cásca!_

Chief Whistler


	4. Chapter 4

_Ergonomically Terrific_

Salutations, readers! My nomenclature is Wind Whistler, and my function is Dream Valley's resident chief scientist and engineer. My mate is the fire stallion chief, and my daughter is the little filly, Moondream. My appearance consist of a blue coat and pink mane, along with a pair of asymmetrical wings and a three whistle cutie mark. I am normally the mare all other ponies come to with their technical problems. I'm also the mare all other ponies believe has no feelings.

My upbringing was an unremarkable one. Born in Dream Castle, my father was a royal guard whose life functions had ceased before I was old enough to know him. My mother, Wind Wisher, was a former singer and celebrity from Bright Valley. If you were to dig through some old magazines from that town, I'm certain you'd see a young pink earth mare with a purple and aqua mane and pinwheel cutie mark. wearing a stage show tiara and translucent skirt. Her star having long since faded by the time of my birth, she was determined to keep living in the spotlight through me.

When it was discovered that I held the same signing talent, I was immediately put into a rigorous routine of lessons and signing practice from my third birthday. I was a different pony at that impressionable age, a singing and whistling airhead who just thought all the glitter and singing and pretty outfits and spending time with mommy was fun. I also did not realize how jealous my parental unit was of my singing voice, even as she attempted to mold me into a miniature version of herself. Still, I excelled at my special talent, making it into the Dream Valley's foals choir by the time I was five- a record bested by the only superior singer in the castle to me, Medley.

That's not to say I didn't have a life outside the performances, however. There was school and friends, of course, My mother was intelligent enough to know I needed some normalcy if I was to develop properly. I was one of the ditzy girls then, and my best friends were Fizzy and Gusty. I had no concern with any sort of intellectual pursuits in those days- can you actually believe I once told my teacher 'gee, math is hard for fillies'? Urgh. My greatest concern during that time was going to the mall in bright valley with the other girls, going on a shopping spree, and getting my hooves done up in the wildest colors.

Then the teenage years hit, and I discovered colts. Now, I was never the filly about town that Firefly was; but I did have my share of amorous pursuits in my youth. Most exciting was Four Speed, who would take me four rides in that big, powerful machine of his, the humans called a truck. We'd go racing across the hills and rocks at an accelerated pace, and I admired how he could control the speed and power of that awesome engine. We then experimented with ways to back the back windows of his truck fog up, and Four Speed discovered that I was far faster than that truck of his...

*Ahem*, yes, well... suffice to say I was content with my life as an oblivious ditz, until the day my 'benefactors' entered my life. That day left this filly changed forever, and I abandoned the path of shallow emotion for the path of logic. To my advantage, my grades improved astronomically, and my academic progress excelled. But my personal life went to pieces around me. Where once I had been more outgoing and sympathetic when one of the girls was going though their teenage dramas, now I would simply sit back and assess the situation with analytical logic. Four Speed terminated our relationship when I was able to rebuild his engine better than he could.

"I don't wanna date a computer on four legs." He told me, ignoring my extremely wordy pleas.

But perhaps the most injurious occurrence was my mother's reaction, once she learned my special talent for singing was gone. My teachers said I was concentrating too much on the technical aspects of the music, and not 'putting my heart into the music' or some such sentimental nonsense. She abandoned me as I turned away from my artistic pursuits, and started reading the technical books in the castle library. Mother was never able to accept, that I had become the only pony in history to ever change special talents at the start of my adult life.

Most of my friends abandoned me, declaring I had become an emotionless machine. Only Fizzy stayed with me, still acting as if I had never changed at all. Gusty, my one time best friend, felt betrayed and took every opportunity to remind me of my lack of emotions. I buried myself in my work and made many great innovations for Dream Valley. Queen Majesty was so impressed, she gave me the castle's abandoned underground lab to work in. It didn't take long for this Pegasus to get the facility up and running again, and I was soon going about the task of creating many wonders. But despite all my achievements, I still felt a gaping hole in my life, and logic dictated it was from the solitude my new enlightened state had caused me.

Ergo, the solution demanded was an end to my solitude- I soon decided it was time to start a family of my own. Chief, the white earth stallion who was the chief of Dream castle's fire and Rescue, seemed like a logical candidate. So when he showed great affection towards me at a moonlight dance on the deck of Captain Barnacle's ship, I consented to a lifebond with him. The birth of our daughter heralded a series of new goals and challenges, which I was confident my intellect could overcome. Having a family has been a very rewarding and enriching experience.

But there are times I worry. My voice never rises above it's boring monotone, barely reflecting the anger, or joy, or sadness I'm feeling inside. When Moondreamer was growing up, it was always her godmother Fizzy who held her, or comforted her when she cried. No instinctual maternal reaction came to me. I've heard the other mares gossiping, saying that they heard from the stallions that- that Chief has stated that when we are- when we are together... it's like kissing and making love to a machine, automatically going through the motions. I know he would never state this hypothesis, but even the suggestion has caused me undue emotional distress.

Logically, it really doesn't bother an organic computer like myself, why should I care about the primitive emotional reflexes my fellow ponies are afflicted with? I am beyond such petty concerns as sentiment and love, What these walking piles of biological pulp think or feel about me is irrelevant. I don't need these lesser ponies, or their useless 'feelings' to survive. I can function autonomously without their moronic friendship, and am in fact function better of without them.

Every time I tell myself that, I almost believe it... until my heart slowly starts to break, and I hate myself for even thinking it. I love Chief, and Fizzy, and my baby more than life itself, more than any of these silly ponies could ever know. They have no idea how painful it is to see my little baby cry after she's hurt her leg from falling off the swing. And when she needs a mother's affection, the only thing that can come of of my mouth is logical statistics listing why she is not injured that badly. Those monsters... they took my ability to express my feelings, and I am unable to tell the ponies I care about how much I love them.

Maybe… it's better this way. Maybe now, I really am nothing more than a biological machine.


	5. Chapter 5

_All Locket up_

Locks... be they key, combination, or padlock, there is no pony who is more fascinated by them than I, nor is there any pony whom understands them better. Since I was a little filly, I've been fascinated with how to undo any mechanism designed to keep somebody out. I had to be able to open any door that was bolted, and I had to know how to open any passageway that was sealed. As I grew, I became equally obsessed with finding a way to keep the very locks I opened up closed, and I began to study with the greatest locksmiths and trap masters in Dream Valley. Locks and seals became an obsession for me- I'm pretty sure I was the only filly in the castle who had a Fillydelphian death padlock on her diary... gave my snooping brother a sore hoof for three weeks.

Now that I am fully grown, I am mistress of all the locks and traps in the dungeons beneath Dream Castle. It is I who design the chains and shackles that hold evil mages fast, negating their dark magic so they do not escape. And it is my chains and gates that hold the most vicious and cruel psychos amongst all the races trapped down here in this dark and dank sinkhole. I must not look very intimidating walking or flapping around Dream Castle; a pink Pegasus with a pink and white mane and gemstone eyes. And it's true, off duty in my social hours, I'm a simple mare who likes hanging out with my friends Heart Throb and Twilight Sky, running races along the surfaces of the rivers and trolling for cute stallions with the two of them. But that's only my calm and gentle day persona, the pony I am at night is a horse of a much different color.

As the sun sets, I trot down the stairs into the dungeon, and salute to my guard sentries as I enter the depths. These brave officers respect me, knowing how I got each and every one of these scars that cover my once-pretty body. Their respect isn't shared by the denizens of the cells in the hallway I now walk though, as they harbor emotions of quite a different nature towards me. Murderers and thieves stare out at me from behind the bars of iron, their gazes filled with a mix of utter hatred and utter fear. I intimidate these cowards to the point, that a mere stare is enough to make them cower at the back of their cells. They know what I can do to them if they get out of line, and that I am perfectly willing and eager to do it.

So many different fiends, so many different ways to discipline them. Porcina the swine witch- she actually thought she'd be allowed to simply become the Bushwoolie's hairdresser, after she tried to genocide every living thing in Dream Valley by turning them to glass. Majesty had me order my guards retrieve her from the Bushwoolie's den, and I now keep her entertained by lighting the flame jets I installed in her cell walls whenever she gets out of line. It's always amusing to here that fat sow squeal when she thinks I'm going to fry her up into sausage, especially when she doesn't realized I prefer baked holaska over pork.

Beezin... this goblin freak is another fun one to play with. We keep his animated magic wand in the cell next to him, and whenever he starts one of his insane rants I flip the switch and let the wand in to entertain him for awhile. Brought to life by his own magic paint, the wand loves to torture it's former owner for hours before we drive it back into it's own cell. It's a riot hearing him wail as the wand changes him into various forms, making sure each transformation is more painful than the last. My only regret is we have to stop the wand just as it's getting good each time, otherwise that little freak would kill him.

The others are just as much fun. I run the gizmonks through a maze with electrified walls for their exercise period, it's a riot to hear them freak every time they get shocked from touching the sides. And Arabus the shadow genie... I just love hit him with those red hot sun lamps I installed in his enclosure. His shriveled wails are to pathetic to reach my equine ears, so there's not much fun in disciplining him. All the others freaks in this place- trolls, goblins, witches, and even a few changelings- all have their own personal nightmares set up for them. I even have a few cells set up for possible future residents, three connected cages are ready for the witches from the volcano if we can ever fully subdue them, and even a superheated cell for that penguin king with Darwinist morality, should he ever decide to go rouge again.

What, you think I'm too hard on these villains? Really? These lunatics would not hesitate to do horrible things to every pony in the castle if they were ever to get free. I've experienced firsthand what misplaced kindness towards these freaks gets you, when I made the mistake of trusting one of the prisoners I was tasked with watching. It happened one day, when Firefly had brought in a brigand responsible for robbing several of the ponies traveling in and out of Dream Valley. He was a dashing Saddle Arabian stallion, whose charisma and charm could make an ice ogre melt. Ignoring all of the other ponies' advice, I responded willingly to the well-built horse's flattery and honey-filled words, giving him more freedom than I should have allowed.

Sadly, I would pay dearly for thinking with my flank instead of with my head. That sleaze ball used the privilege of being out of his cell I granted him to start a prisoner riot, which my guards and I were barely able to put down. But when I went to personally subdue the stallion who had taken advantage of my kindness, he rewarded my tender mercy by stabbing me twice in the face, and putting my eyes out. How ironic, the stallion to whom my hormones had blinded me to how foul of an equine he really was, had taken my beautiful blue eyes from me. I later had a pair of ugly crystals eyes stuck into my skull as replacements, but I would never trust any of the scumbags I would watch over ever again.

I will admit, my job isn't exactly a pleasant one... but it's a job somebody in the castle has to do. I'm just happy that there are few humans, gnomes, elves, or even ponies in my dungeons, it lets you know who your friends and enemies are. Still, I wonder who'll be the next interesting guests in my little menagerie of rouges down here. It'll be very interesting to what new disciplines I can concoct next. Ah well, I think some of the goblins are acting up again, so if You'll excuse me, I have a job to do!

Warden Locket


	6. Chapter 6

_Forgotten History, Part one_

"Bramely?" Princess Cadence calls out in a worried tone, looking around frantically. "Bright Bramely, where are you?!"

My princess calls to me, and though I am currently busy looking over some treaties that need to be signed, my duty calls, and I must go to her. With a sigh, I adjust my yellow glasses, I trot out of my study, and make my way towards Misty Mountain's throne room. The guards of course, bowed to me in respect- an orange earth mare with a purple mane and apple cutie mark- a proud member of the Apple family, though my special talent has little to do with apples. I am the pony who handles the mundane day-to-day matters of the bureaucracy of Misty Mountain, helping my lady in her rule of this great Ponyland citadel.

"What is it, my princess?" I ask, bowing before the throne. "What can I do to serve you?"

"Where- where am I?" She asks, looking around nervously with a wild look in her eyes. "What am I doing here!?"

"You're at Misty Mountain, my Princess; your kingdom." I reassure her in a soothing tone. "This is your home, where you rule over all of us, your loyal subjects."

"The Crystal Empire is my kingdom, Bright. Not this strange place" She informed me defiantly, her eye twitching. "Tell me, where is my beloved Shining Armor?"

Staring at her sadly, I can only shake my head in sorrow. Although she is the last surviving immortal alicorn princess, Mi Amore Cadenza is not the intelligent and wise mare that ponies once believed alicorns to be. Much to our city's personal shame, our ruler is a nervous and blubbering mess that has trouble remembering things day to day in her life. Most ponies believe it due to her advanced age brining on senility- but I and a few other know it is something far, far worse.

"Come my princess, your royal audiences are done for the day." I tell her soothingly, gently guiding her off her throne. "It is time for you to go to bed."

Most of Ponyland forgets the fact, that they owe this brave mare for all she has done for our Confederacy. She has sacrificed more then any other pony for the sake of our civilzation, and there is no way we can ever begin to repay this mare who is the last of her kind. It angers me that most ponies look upon her eteally beatuful form with pity, feeling sorry for our princess for her shattered and still-crumbling mind.

During the Grogar wars, the old goat tyrant had sought to destroy even the memory of Equestria- his troggle armies going out of their way to ransack every archive and library in the land, and destroying every historical tome that they could get their claws on. That is why our historian Tornado has had such trouble piecing our history back together from the few scattered fragments of journals, letters, and documents that survived the fall of Equestria, our written history only goes back five hundred years to the founding of the confederacy. Everything Tornado has written about is speculation based on a few historical scraps that remain... in truth, we know nothing about the history of ponies before Ponyland.

The memories of our beloved Princess would have been wonderful here- but alas, she was determined to lead that final assault on the evil Grogar after the monster slew Princess Luna during the fall of Canterlot. She and her husband, Shining Armor- magically gifted with an unatural long life due to lifebonding with an alicorn- led the final assault on Tambelon that was the last battle on the Grogar wars. As the pony army they led battled the troggles, and Shining Armor fought the goat in hoof-to-hoof combat, while Cadence sought out and rung the giant bell that sent Grogar and his city back to the Dark Dimension.

Having defeated the goat tyrant and ended the war, the two fled from the vanishing Tambelon. But Grogar had one final trick up his sleeve- from the window of his tower, he struck the fleeing couple with an energy blast that knocked them to the ground. But when Shining and Cadence awoke, the other ponies found that the spell that had stuck them had severely damaged their powers of recollection. In the centuries thereafter, Shining Armor's memories faded in and out, his mind becoming as frail as a feeble old pony, whilst his body remained young, healthy, and strong. It was only a decade or two ago, that he quietly passed in his sleep, the magic keeping him young finally dissipating.

"Bramely, which way is my bedroom?" Cadence asked, looking around the hallways in confusion. "I can't seem to remember..."

"Follow me, my princess." I reply calmly, leading the child-like alicorn by the hoof. "It is not far."

It is truly a tragedy, an eternally young and beautiful pony do helpless like this. And a living source of pony memory. our history- Grogar had the last laugh, he knew what he was doing with that final spell. For the contradictory records that Tornado has recovered from the archives- one saying Twilight Sparkle became an alicorn, another saying she remained a unicorn all her life, or Dream Valley's records stating that their castle was built from the remains of the palace of the two sisters, while the Harmony Bearer's friendship journal states this became Twilight Sparkle's rainbow kingdom. And the one mare who could answer these contradictions remembers it one way one day, then another the next. The goat tyrant took more from us that our princess that dark day; with his final defeat, he took ponykind's history from us.

"Here you go, my princess." I tell her soothingly, pulling back the sheets so she can climb into bed. "Please, call me or one of the servants if you need to use the bathroom or desire something to drink." I adise her, remembering the one embarrassing time she had been unable to remember how to get to the restroom in time. "Have a pleasant sleep, my princess."

"Thank you Bramely." She tells me softly, drifting off into the repose of slumber. "You are so... good... to... me..."

Trotting out and closing the door, I recall the demands of Misty Mountain's _junkers_ that our senile princess be retired, and Princess Silver Rain, born a few months after her father's death, should take the throne. Cadence deserves better than this, but I cannot hold off the desires of the nobles forever. Trotting out and looking at the evening sky above, I try to imagine the beautiful colors and the stars appearing being shaped by two caring sisters putting on a show for their mortal subjects.

It's so sad, Equestria was a land ruled by alicorns, benefiting from their love and superior wisdom. Now the bloodline of Queen Sunsparkle rules Ponyland, the nobility of each Ponyland citadel - and even the council of Princess ponies- using their linage from her as their reason for ruling. Even Silver Rain has married into the house of Sunsparkle, ensuring that Misty Mountain will one day be brought under the divine right to rule, just like Hoofkaido, Bright Valley, Fort Dash, and all the rest.

I wish the truth of our past could be recovered, but there remains no other sources we could answer our questions. But perhaps it is better this way, forcing us to look to our future, instead of back to the glories of yesterday. I am happy for the world that I live in, happy for my wonderful husband and beautiful children. And I'm proud of the sacrifices ponies such as my princess made, even though it cost them everything to make them. For out of that uncertain past of Equestria, has been born a bright future for Ponyland. And we ponies could not ask for a better world to live in!


	7. Chapter 7

_Evil Reflects on Itself_

Midnight Castle, three hundred years ago...

"SCORPAN!" The dark lord roared angrily, drumming his fingers on the arm rest of his throne. "Where are you, you worthless worm!? I command you to stand before me!"

Reclining in the shadows, Tirek heard the approaching footsteps of his winged beast man minion, and also heard the bitter muttering under his breath as he approached. The door of the throne room slowly squeaked open, and Scorpan walked up and kneeled before the colossal and frightening presence.

"I am here, master... " The conflicted minion growled, looking down at the floor to hide his contempt. "What is it you desire of me?"

Scorpan dared a glanced upward, and caught the sight of a clawed hand stroking a small bag with the sound of a beating heart coming out of it. If there was one being everyone in Ponyland hated more than any other, it was this… this abomination. Tirac had ruined so many lives, and destroyed so many innocent souls. He was feared and loathed by the inhabitants of this land far and wide, but none hated the villain more than Scorpan himself.

"We lost too many Strydons in the last raid on Grundle Land." The tyrant hissed, pointing a hand with a spiked gauntlet on it at his cowering lackey. "Bring in the latest crop of ponies we captured, so that I may replenish my forces."

Scorpan nodded, snapping his fingers and causing the lizard guards to bring in seven screaming and terrified ponies whom they held chained before the throne. Their pleas and cries of terror fell silent, as the horned devil rose and stood before them.

"Oh no...!" One of the mares pleaded. "Please, let us go!"

"SILENCE!" He roared, sick of their whining. "You all belong to me, now!" Reaching for the bag on his arm rest, the horned centaur pointed the bag at the helpless ponies standing before him. "Behold, the power of DARKNESS!"

The shadowy band of dark energy wrapped around the small group of ponies, twisting and warping thier bodies as it reshaped them into snarling and growling dragons. The band of darkness rushed back into the bag, as Tirac waved the lizard guards off with thier newest recruits.

"Guards, take these strydons below with the others." The dark lord snarled. "And as for you, Scorpan, you'd best go down and see to that little pet Dragon of yours. His is driving the guards mad with his whining, and I'd hate to have to remove his head to shut him up!"

"As you wish, my master." Scorpan snarled, before walking out of the room, flexing his bat-like wings. Foolish whelp, Tirac thought to himself, the only reason he kept that stupid dragon of Twilight Sparkle's alive was that he served as a living trophy from the one pony who had actually defeated him in battle. Tormenting Spike the dragon was the only way he had to torment the long-dead alicorn, making the dragon miserable just as he made Scorpan miserable.

"Guards!" The giant horned horror commanded. "Bring the Dragon Spike before me at once!"

With a grunt, the lizard guards went deep into the bowaels of the castle, and brought forth a small, pink and scaly purple dragon who cowered before the dark lord's throne. Looking down at his pathetic prisoner, Tirac growled in a voice that would make the mightiest Stallion cower.

"Y-you wanted something of me, master?" Spike whimpered, in a pathetic nasally voice. "How may I serve you?"

"Stop your prattling, you scale-covered whelp!" The centaur roared, making the baby dragon shake with fear. "My guards have complained about your pathetic whining, and I will not stand for you disrupting the peace of my dominions!"

The young Dragon's eyes went wide, and he looked like he was going to wet the castle floor. Tirac enjoyed these moments of power over the helpless and weak, and he loved relishing every moment that he could make all creatures miserable.

"Please forgive me, master!" The little dragon pleaded, clinging to the centaur's hoof. "I never meant to make you mad!"

"SILENCE!" The centaur roared, kicking the baby dragon away. "Return to the tunnel below, at once! And if I hear one more whimper out of your disgusting scaly mouth, I will pin your miserable hide up on the dungeon wall!"

The little dragon shrieked, and quickly scurried away. It was hard to believe this pathetic wretch had once been the loyal assistant to the great Twilight Sparkle. Spike had been captured in a raid on Ponyville during the Grogar wars, and had been a favorite object of torture for the dark lord. After several escape attempts, he had ordered the little dragon whipped and beaten to the point of losing his sanity.

But it had slightly backfired on Tirac, and Spike could barely remember Twilight or Equestria or anything to do with his imprisonment. So Tirac kept him around as a target of his anger, and he and Scorpan had befriended each other in their misery- the dragon and his hated brother...

Scorpan... no... my brother, whom betrayed him to the ponies in a previous life. How he hated that infernal beast man, who had betrayed him to the ponies, and locked me away in Tartarus for a millennia. I've gone through many Scorpans over the years, many different unwitting fools who defied me, and I transformed them with the rainbow of darkness into copies of my traitorous brother. The original Scorpan may be long gone, but he will always be here for me to cause suffering towards!

And that body; that frail, weakened body is still locked away in Tartarus where Twilight Sparkle put me so long ago. I now have this powerful new form, made for me by that unwitting fool Midnight, from whom I also stole the rainbow of Darkness. But his old body still remains there, a back up in case anything ever happens to his current form. But he doubts it will come to that, for Tirek had a plan that will finally bring a final end to these ponies, once and for all. They and their world would be buried in a night that never ends, the Dark lord would see to that! But for now, he'd have to settle for the smaller pleasures...

"Sorpan, I am extremely hungry!" The centaur demanded. "Have the guards send one of the newborn foals from the dungeons to be prepared in the kitchens


	8. Chapter 8

_The Song of Salomare- part one_

Saddle Arabia... the mysterious kingdom of the Orient. Land of gold and spices, of silks and scimitars, this sun- scorched desert is home to a mighty race of horses who maintain a proud warrior culture in these harsh environs. To the citizens of Ponyland this enchanting land has always felt like an exotic paradise, and the natives have always welcomed their barbarian cousins from the north with open friendliness and hospitality, at home with our similar faiths, autocratic feudal culture, and reverence for clan and monarchal authority both of our herds share.

But this had not been the case in the days of old Equestria, where the old empire's ideals of freedom and culture were in conflict with the customs and traditions of this proudest of nations. It was only through the friendship and good will of the ruling alicorn princesses, with the Sultan and Sultana, that relations were at least kept civil between these two proud cultures. So mistrust and suspicion existed between ponies and horses, and it was unthinkable for two equines from these extremely disparate herds to be close, let alone be friends. But here I shall relate the tale of two such friends, and how their friendship affected the world around them.

Her name was Salomare, daughter of the Sultan, and princess of the this rich desert land. Raised by her nursemaids and the gelded palace eunuchs, this young white mare with a auburn mane and tail. From the moment she was born, her blue eyes were filled with wonder and excitement at the world around her. Her fillyhood was filled with days of running around the palace, playing tricks on all of the royal courtiers and foreign dignitaries, and driving her caretakers mad by running around the palace without her veil on. The Sultan and Sultana made certain their little desert bloom knew only happiness in her young life.

And so, the delicate little jewel did grow up safe and protected within the confines on the royal palace, but the safety within the royal harem did not give her much chance to ever make friends. The companionship of servants and caretakers was not the same as the love and companionship that comes with friends. The children of the servants would play with her when she was lonely, but she soon realized they only did so because thier parents told them to; she was always a pony apart. So the little filly was left sad and alone, until the day somepony new came to Saddle Arabia.

"Your highnesses, may I present Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria, and her royal court."

The dignitaries from Equestria- Princess Salomare had heard tales of these strange ponies, equines who were smaller versions of horses like themselves, but she never could have imagined the miniature horses her parents described would be so interesting! The princess 's ladies in waiting were so colorful and friendly- especially the pink one, who played even funnier pranks than she did- but the princess herself was utterly incredible! Both a Pegasus's wings and a unicorn's horn- no horse in Saddle Arabia possessed both of these gifts!

Salomare immediately attached herself to the princess, asking a thousand questions about everything the alicorn knew. The princess of friendship, so impressed with the young mare's thirst for knowledge, became something of a mentor to the heiress to the Saddle Arabian throne during her goodwill visit to the desert land. Despite only being an earth horse, the princess soaked up all knowledge she could on both unicorn magic and Pegasus magic. But the more she learned about the wonders of other pony types, the more the future sultana wondered what she can do with no sorcery or weather magic.

"How can a lonely earth mare do anything for her subjects?" Salomare asked the princess of friendship. "I was born a princess, and I am in no way the princess you are!"

"Patience, my faithful student... your time will come soon enough." The older and wiser mare consoled her. "The symphony of life has many notes, and the time will come when the whole world will hear your beautiful, beautiful song."

And after the alicorn princess had departed back to her own land, young Salomare tried to live up to her mentor's ideals of Friendship as best she could. To her subjects she was determined to be a wise and just ruler, respecting both the traditions and customs of her herd, and to share the new teachings of the nature of friendship that Twilight Sparkle had brought to her. Salomare, who felt she had no other distinguishable talents or traits, would then make her mark upon this world by being a just and capable ruler. And when her parents passed on to the next world and Salomare ascended the throne, the Saddle Arabian mare was as good as her word.

But then the day came when misfortune would strike these horses of the desert. In that age the blarks, a proud race of mole-like merchants who dwelled beneath the deserts; Saddle Arabia's answer to Equestria's diamond dogs, and Ponland's grundle tribes. To this day it is not recalled what brought the wrath of these mole folk down upon the desert horses- some say a Saddle Arabian merchant at a bazaar cheated a blark nobleman on a trade, others say one of the many noble sheiks who visited Queen Salomare's court had let a deragtory word slip about the 'junk dealers' who dwelled beneath the desert sands. But whatever the cause, the horses had aroused the anger of their underground neighbors.

At first, none of the Saddle Arabians took the diminutive Blark's threats and warnings seriously... until all the water sources in the desert began to dry up, that is. The mole folk cut off access on the surface to all of the wells and water sources that bubbled up towards the surface, causing all of the oasis and few rivers of the desert to dry up. Whole towns and villages of the horses became deserted overnight, and the Saddle Arabians began to quarrel amongst themselves over the scarce water supplies that still remained. Pain and suffering spread even to the capital, where the cries of the horses soon reached the ears of their benevolent ruler.

"Save us, great Sultana!" Her faithful followers cried out in their misery. "Don't let the harsh winds of the desert swallow us whole!"

Heartbroken over the suffering her subjects were enduring, Salomare was determined to find a new and clean source of water for the herd over which she ruled. An attempt to issue a royal apology to the blarks had failed, so great was whatever slight had been heaped upon the merchants that it was impossible to simply cover the wound the royal court's unicorn horse mages were unable to end the water shortage by their magic, and the Saddle Arabian Pegasus could not muster enough clouds in the harsh desert to bring the sweet, sweet rain that their lands so desperately needed. Finally, the beautiful young Sultana had no choice but to seek out aid herself, ignoring the customs and proud royal traditions of her herd.

"I must do something!" She cried aloud, asking to the desert djinns whom the Saddle Arabians honored to aid in her desperate Endeavour. Putting on her crown, saddle, and veil, the ruler of the desert horses chose a quiet moonlit night to begin her perilous quest.

Disguising herself beneath hood and cloak, the young unmarried queen snuck her way out of the royal palace, slipping past her mamluk knights who guarded the palace, and trotting her way out into the open desert. Galloping her way out into the cool desert night, the strong and steadfast mare was already formulating a plan. A bold scheme that would take her to the one pony in all of the world who controlled all of the water supply - the mare decided she must seek out King Leo the wise, cousin to the royal alicorn sisters, and ruler of all the open oceans of this world. Only he could end the terrible water shortage that afflicted her country, and Salomare was determined to convince the great monarch of the undersea, no matter what it took!

_Thus ends the first part of my recounting of the Saddle Arabian classic, the song of Salomare. Look forward soon to the next part!_

_Paradise Oaisis_


	9. Chapter 9

_The Song of Salomare, Part Two_

Over hill and valley, over sand dune and oasis, did the desperate Salomare travel. Pushing on endlessly, the determined mare let neither exhaustion nor hunger nor any peril of the road stand in her way. Far, far away to the distant coast did she gallop, and there at last upon the shoreline of the gulf of Maretonia, her kingdom's watery western border. The queen then did use an enchanted potion her mentor and friend had given her, granting the queen gills, and allowing her to descend to the world beneath the waves. As she slowly descended beneath the surface, sea creatures of every shape and size stared at this beautiful sight of amazement and wonder. But no marine creature moved to hinder her journey, allowing Salomare to descend deeper and deeper into the depths.

Walking along the bottom, the Saddle Arabian queen stared at the fascinating creatures spread out before her. But she could not let her amazement at the myriad of colored fish and glowing jellyfish deter her, and she soon came to the glowing lights of an underwater city. The sea ponies of the open ocean, so different and much more fish-like than their freshwater brethren, were surprised to see this land-dwelling pony entering their underwater dominions. But when they discovered the reason for her visit, wasted no time in securing her an audience before the great Leo, their beloved king.

"I am most pleased by your visit, oh great ruler of the desert." The great lord of the undersea greeted her, pleased that a land equine had come so far and through so much trouble to see him and his aquatic herd. "But what has brought you so far from home, here to my watery kingdom?"

Salomare, who had already been amazed by the sight of the Sea Ponies' coral reef homes and glittering palace, had her breath taken away at the sight of the great monarch. A great bearded sea stallion resembling a lionfish, this blue scaled sovereign was far larger than any Saddle Arabian horse she had ever seen. As she stared at his magnificence, the desert sultana recalled the story of how the once alicorn Leo had led his followers beneath the waves ages ago, giving up their land pony forms in order to become creatures of the sea. The sight of this mighty horned form in the coral crown seemed only to confirm that fantastic fish story.

"Great king, I have come beneath the waves, to desperately implore your aid on behalf of my subjects." The mare pleaded, kneeling respectfully before the great monarch. "For our lands above the waters have become parched and dry, and my herd has no water to drink or grow our crops with."

The king nodded, absorbing what the young queen was saying to him. But Salomare wondered if he truly understood her plight. Could he even comprehend the misery and sorrow of living in such a dry and parched environment. How could she convey to him the pain of her people? How could she make an aquatic creature, one whose very existence was perpetually surrounded by the water her herd so desperately needed, understand how much the horses of Saddle Arabia were suffering?

_"The day will come, Salomare, when you will sing your own beautiful song before the whole world..."_

The advice of Twilight Sparkle echoed in the young queen's mind, along with the knowledge of what she had to do. And so, Salomare did burst into song, crying out across the waves in a beautiful chorus made up of only one pony. She sang of her subject's suffering, of their parched throats and dry mouths. She sang of the hunger that came with withered fields and sun-scorched crops. And her voice echoed with her herd's desperate plea for water, imploring the great pony before her to aid in brining an end to Saddle Arabia's terrible suffering.

Not before or sense has such a song echoed out beneath the waves, and the Saddle Arabians claim it is for this reason that sea ponies burst into song'; they are trying to emulate the beauty they heard coming from Salomare on the fateful day. And as the mare finished her mournful lament, even the great king of the sea and his court were moved to tears by her song- though being beneath the water, no one could have told that it were so.

"Beautiful! A simply beautiful tale of your home, o Queen of the desert!" the great king declared, clapping his fins together in respect. "Be assured, I shall do everything in my power to assuage the great suffering of yourself and your herd!"

And so, Salomare returned home. Under their queen's direction, the Saddle Arabians plowed great channels to the sea, and let the salty waters of the oceans flow into them. And lo, the mighty King Leo spread his trident out over these waters, and made them fresh for the parched horses to water their crops with, and to quench their desperate thirst. The Saddle Arabians bowed to both their queen and their aquatic kindred beneath the waves, vowing to ever remember the great deeds these equines had done in their favor.

And that, my little ponies, is how a simple song of the heart, inspired by the friendship of two mares, did save an entire herd from death. Salomare may be more remembered for her great deeds and romances from later in her life, and King Leo more know for his wise and just rule over the oceangoing sea ponies over many, many centuries. But this first simple song of friendship, this small act of kindness towards a herd in need, is to me among their truly memorable acts. Salomare's song is one that I truly hope will echo in the hearts and minds of ponies and horses and everyone every where, so long as the magic of friendship exists.


	10. Chapter 10

_Teddy the Terrible_

Hey scuzz brains, what're you punks doing on my turf? Ohhh, you came over to this side of Coltonville to ask about me, huh? Yeah, I guess I really am that awesome! I'm sure you've all heard of me, Teddy Graham, the blue colt who's cooler than an ice cube? Yeah, my comb cutie mark is better than anything on these other loser's flanks, and I've got the most stylin mane in school, and every pony wishes they were me!

Ya know, I can't believe how many ponies in this town are such horrible losers. Stupid little colts and mares who go about thier stupid little lives, not realizing how pointless are of their stupid little stuff they think is so important really is. Sooo, I decided, as a little foal, to show them just how much they suck. And so, I decided to start playing tricks on them- ya know, since they're all so stupid and all. And oh man, you wouldn't believe some of the crazy stunts I've pulled on these dumb ponies!

It's so much fun enlightening these morons, taking their stuff and playin ' keep away, starting fights with all the colts- you know, the usual. Like when I took Miss Hackney's chocolate shake out of her lunch, and poured ex-lax into it and put it back. Oh man, you should've seen the look on her face when she kept having to run to the bathroom between lessons! Or the time I stole Jing-a-ling and Ting-a-ling's ice cream cones, and ate both right in front of em'. Man, can those little kids cry really loud when stuff they don't like happens!

Yeah, I have a pretty cool life here in Coltonville, hangin ' around with my best buds, Ace and Lancer. Those guys are alright, though I gotta put em' in their place sometimes. Lancer's always been really smart, and he think's he's all that cause he's better at school stuff than I am. And Ace might be really good and soccer and sports, but I can still kick his butt any day of the week. Those two can be real suckers sometimes, lettin' the girls turn thier heads like that. Those fillies have those two eatin out of their hooves sometimes, and it's up to me to knock some sense back into em' every now and then.

And speaking of the girls... yeah, Starlight and her little brat pack. Damn, why do I even put up with those seven. I mean, I know we grew up with em' and all, but that's no reason to put up with those little tramps the way we do. First there's Melody, a spoiled brat who thinks she's the star of everything, and treats all of the ponies around her like they aren't worthy to lick the fertilizer off her hooves. Really, I don't know why the other girls put up with her. Bon Bon's a fat little pig, always stuffing her ugly face with donuts and cakes and other crud. It's a wonder she doesn't get diabetes or have a heart attack or something. Actually, it would be kinda funny if she sat her flat flank in a chair and broke it, hah!

The others aren't much better. Patch is a really annoying little witch, though I do like how she can play tricks almost as good as me. Clover's so clutzy I'm shocked she's doesn't fall on her freakin' face, though she's got a really hot older sister. (I can personally vouch for that- watched Medowlark take a shower through her window, and damn that mare's finer than a porno!) Yeah, and Bright Eyes is just as much a know at all as Lancer is- I swear, those two should just go off somewhere behind the school and buck each other's eyeballs out- wait, that would make a whole bunch more of those brainy brats populating the earth. So yeah, flank that!

These girls are so much fun to pull crud on... you wouldn't believe how much fun it is to shove their faces into the desert table at lunch, you wouldn't believe how funny it is to see strawberry cream filling all over Bright Eyes's face. Or the time I let a whole case of army ants into Patch's house when they were having a slumber party- you shoulda seen those screaming fillies come running out of the house scratching around over the place. Or even when I threw that box of tacks onto the ground outside Starlight's soda shop. It was hilarious seeing all seven of em' hopping around and screaming with about their hooves hurting. Totally funny man, I wish you coulda been there!

But the best gag I ever pulled was at the pool party they had at Melody's house last summer. The whole school had come over to celebrate the end of tenth grade, and there was a lot of snacks, dancing, and games. Ace snuck a case of hard cider into the party, and we slipped it into the punch. Boy, you should've seen how crazy the fillies acted after dowing a buncha glasses of that stuff! Melody jumped up on the table and started singing off key, and Patch and Bon Bon started swinging from the chandelier! Lancer had to be a prude and stop his _precious_ Bight Eyes from touchin' the stuff. But we still got the treat of watching Clover and Starlight dance the mare-carena out by the pool before jumping into the water together.

But the one thing I didn't expect was the way Sweetheart began looking at me that night. Sweets has always been an okay pony- she's been a good friend, and always kept my secrets. I try to play a lot less mean tricks on her than I do on her friends, but sometimes she ends up getting hurt, too. I've always had a soft spot for that chick But the weird eyes Sweetheart was giving me... I ain't never seen anythin' like that before. So I was really wierded out when that filly led me back to Meldoy's spare room, and began waving her white flank with that pink heart cutie mark at me.

Then, before I could figure out what was going on, I felt her mouth up against mine. And oh wow the fireworks exploded in my head then! The pink maned doll ripped my sunglasses off, and pushed me back down onto the bed. Oh good gravy, I'd never scored like that before, but that girl showed me stuff that night that I'd never even seen in my entire life! Fortunately, Ace was nearby with his dad's camcorder at the time, and got all the girls acting drunk and stupid on tape! And when I saw it the next day, I got the most awesome idea for a prank ever!

On the first day of school next year, Ace and I decided to give all the kids in school quite an awesome show! We bullied Lancer comandeer the TV's in every classroom , and wow did all the students get an eyeful when we played the video! The whole school got to see those six acting like drunk morons on tape! Oh yeah, it was a major pain when Starlight's little herd of girls ganged up and beat the tar out of Ace and I, and then tossed us into the dumpster behind the school . But it was so worth the high hooves I got from all the other colts from pullin that prank. I'm kinda glad I made Ace ditch the footage of sweetheart an' me from the video, though. Puttin' that up just woulda been too wrong, even for me. Her friends still aren't too happy with us, though*Sigh* I guess I'll never understand girls

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this little lesson in my awesomeness. Oh, and if you ever hear any gossip about me having a teddy bear, just ignore it. Cause if I ever hear you saying anything bad about me, I swear I'll kick your sorry flank all over Coltonville!


	11. Chapter 11

_Live and let Lancer_

Hey there, all you ponies! This is Lancelot Pants, Coltonville's number one genius colt, and the brains behind our little trio of friends. Oh, I don't like to brag about my superior intellect that much, but much like Ace is the brawn of our circle, so I may properly claim to be the brains. Sometimes I even wonder if that neanderthal Teddy knows how to wipe his nose without me there to explain it to him. I truly do believe my sadly misguided -and easily confused- friends would be lost without my wisdom to guide them. I truly do believe those two goofballs, they would be lost without me.

If you are not aware of me by reputation, I'm the handsome blue boy with the orange mane and fleur-de-lis cutie mark often seen working in the computer lab, or reading _War and Ponies_ in the library. I come from a proud old wealthy Canterlot family, who migrated to the republic centuries ago (rumor has it our ancestors were once unicorns). I've often helped the girls study for their tests, and received many nice rewards in return. Like the time I helped Melody prepare for her history final, and she gave me free tickets to a concert of the band she's in, the Rockin beats. Or when I helped Bon Bon get ready for a math exam, and received a gourmet dinner as a reward, Yes, sometimes helping others can be a very sweet thing, indeed.

What? Oh yes, you could say I am on better terms with the girls of Starlight's little gang than Teddy is- though to tell the truth, that really not a hard thing to do. I've often ratted Teddy and Ace out on some of the dirty tricks they've tried to pull on the girls, like that time they invited Sweetheart and Clover to go out for Pizza with them at Tony's Place, but weren't going to tell them that it was 'girl's pay for the date' night at the pizzeria. After I snitched on them, you should have heard those two fillies wail on those goofballs for trying a stupid stunt like that! Those two will often user the fillies crushes on them to wrap the seven fillies around their hooves. And frankly, I find the entire thing disgusting.

As to the girls themselves, I find of Starlight and her crew sufficient. Bon Bon is an excellent cook, even if she eats more of her ingredients than she puts into her cooking. Patch is an adventurous soul, even if she does often get herself in trouble way over her head. I swear that girl will head off into the jungle and find some lost civilization someday. Clover is a wonderful dancer and performer, though she lacks self confidence and lives forever haunted by the fear that her older sister will always be better that her. Not all of the girls are so sweet though, as Melody has an ego the size of the Pony Dome, and Starlight is often my rival for the role of 'teacher's pet' with Miss Hackney.

And then there's Bright Eyes...

Oh great horsemaster, what words can be said about the Cyan beauty with and orange mane and haunting eyes that a colt can get lost in for hours. Starlight can say what she wants about being smart and wanting to be a teacher, but it is this little intellectual angel that is the true mastermind behind those seven beauties. That mare truly cares about the world around her, and she will make a wonderful environmentalist someday. Ace has long waffled back and forth between Starlight and Melody, and Teddy may show interest in Both Bon Bon and Sweetheart. But in my book Bright Eyes always has been, and always will be, the only mare for me.

I remember one time where the three of us were going to take them to the hearts and hooves dance, and each of us was supposed to buy a flower for our date to pin on thier dresses. The boys being the boys, Teddy had gone and pulled a flower out of his mom's garden, and Ace gave Melody a rose- that Starlight had given to him in a vase full of water earlier that day. As I pinned Bight Eye's corsage on her dress, I witnessed the other two colts being chewed out by their dates. Predicting that something like this would happen, I quietly slipped them two other flowers I had bought from the greenhouse. Just another example of me pulling my two best friend's flanks out of the fire... again.

Yeeeaaahhh... good old Lancer is usually the one to keep the peace between the genders. Lancer the peacemaker, always giving his two friends ideas to apologize for their stupid schemes and screw-ups. Lancer, traitor to his gender for siding with the love of his life and her silly friends. Lancer the gentleman, for standing up to his two idiot friends for the fairer sex. I've been called so many things and played so many roles and stood on so many sides of arguments that I'm not even sure where I stand on things anymore. But hey, as long as I'm asking other people happy being the sensible one, I'm doing the sensible thing, right?

Oh dear, I can hear the girls outside screaming at Teddy again. I'm guessing he went through with his plan to steal those pies they had worked so hard making for the school bake sale. I'd better go defuse this situation before this thing gets really out of hoof. But then again, this has always been my role as the peacemaker. And so, I must march ever onward... and right now, go stop Patch from ripping Teddy's head off with her bare hooves. Thank you for listening to my long tirade, friend, and I hope we get the chance to converse again!


	12. Chapter 12

_An Ace at sports_

Ugh, what is _wrong_ with these ponies? Can't they see how awesome I am? I just won the whole football game for Coltonville high, and they're all lifting Patch up over their heads, and carrying her off the playing field like she's some kind of hero! PATCH! Okay yeah, she did makes that last kick that scored us the point and won the game, but if it hadn't been for _my_ careful planning and strategies, we wouldn't have scored a single point during this whole game! Why do I even waste my time playing for these worthless ponies when they can't even see greatness when it's right in front of them?!

Oh yeah, sorry... name's Ace, all-star athlete, and Coltonville's greatest hometown sports hero. You know, the handsome stud with the golden mane and coat in the front row of Miss Hackney's class? Yeah, as you can tell from the football on my flank, I'm the awesomest pony at the sport in like... the whole pony world! (Except in dumb old Dream Valley, where they degrade my favorite game by calling it soccer!) I'm going to make it to the professional teams after I graduate, and one day I'll play against the Equestrian teams in the big leagues! Yes sir, my future is totally made for me, and I won't even have to lift a hoof or worry to make my dreams come true. Man, life's so totally awesome for a pony like me, isn't it?

I know, you've probably seen me hangin' with my two best buds, Teddy and Lancer. Yeah, I know, why would an awesome pony like me lower himself to waste his time with a barbaric bully and an egg headed nerd? *Sigh* The sacrifices a star must make to help his friends out. The truth is, I'm the leader of that little group, and those poor misguided fools would be lost without me. Lancer would be lost without one of his precious textbooks to tell him what to do, and Teddy's temper is so short he'd probably start fighting with himself if he didn't have a cool head to keep him in check. I would be surprised if they would start fighting with each other, if good old Ace wasn't around to guide them by the hooves.

Still, I have discovered that having Lancer's brains and Teddy's brawn around can be useful... when it suits my purposes, that is. The fillies and colts at my school are so easy to manipulate, I can get whatever I want out of them with the right cunning, charisma, and charm. Make them think you're important, and make them think you think _they_ are important, and you can have any pony eating right out of your hooves. I can convince any colt that I'm their friend, getting them to jump of a bridge if I want them to. And I can also charm any filly, sweeping them off their hooves and into the sack before they even realize what happened.

Speaking of which, yeah Starlight and her little band of fillies. I don't really think much of em', a bunch of average babes. Bon Bon is a really good cook, despite being a fatty. And Bright Eyes is even smarter than lancer... though she's the ugliest out of the seven. Clover might be a little pretty, if she weren't such an awful and clumsy klutz. Still, they're pretty easy to get stuff out of em' when you want to- a well-placed compliment here, a wink and a toss of your pretty-boy mane there, and it's like taking candy from a foal.

And besides, I've had my turn with most of them, anyway. Bagged Bon Bon under the bleachers prom night of junior year, and I wooed Starlight beneath Miss Hackney's desk during a late night study session at the school after the faculty had left. I sang a sweet tune with Melody under the Rockin Beats' practice stage, and Patch was such a klutz she almost tripped over and fell while we were- ugh, I don't wanna even think about it. There are a few 'don't touch' fillies, like Teddy and Lancer would kill me if I laid a hoof on Bright Eyes or Sweetheart, and Patch responded to my charm with a hoof to the groin- yewouch! Still, those fillies are the exception to the rule, as I can get almost any other female in this school I want!

See, the thing is that all these ponies, when it comes right down to it, are actually morons. You smile and wave, you tell them what they want to hear, and it gets thier guard down. stuff they normally wouldn't do for anyone now suddenly makes total sense to them as the right thing to do, and a small suggestion can go a long way in getting what you want out of 'em. Ponies think you're the greatest friend to come along since Twilight Sparkle, and they'll bend hoof over heels to make you happy. Why the hay should you fight and struggle with someone over something you want, when you can simply get them to up and give it to you? Man I tell ya, the ponies of Coltonville can be so damn dumb it hurts!

Anyway, nothing changes the fact that when it comes to popularity, I rule this school! Why I could own all of the colts and stallions here with my left hoof, and eat a bag of potato chip with my right. It doesn't take much to get what I want in Coltonville, it all just depends on having the right touch. Oh shoot, that new filly who transferred in from the isle of Pony just trotted by, time to go work my magic! Hey Pigeonsmall, wait up! Wanna go to the skating rink together?

Aw Yeaaaahhhhh, I still got it!


	13. Chapter 13

_Sugary Sweet Stuff_

Oh! Um, hello... I really hope I'm not bothering you here. Paradise said I should speak my mind here, but I understand if I'm just annoying you. I'm sorry, I'll just let myself out, just pretend I was never here. Oh dear, why can't I ever do anything right? I bet my twinkle eyes aren't even in straight- ohhh, why am I so ugly all the time? I'm sorry if I'm being annoying, I'm really trying to do better. Here, I'll just go now, sorry to have bothered you.

Wait, you actually want me to stay here and talk? Oh dear, I'm still so nervous. I'm sorry I'm so nervous talking here. My name's Sweet Stuff, and I'm a blue earth pony with jewel eyes and a candy cutie mark. Oh dear, you can already see that, can't you? Why am I so silly around other ponies. Anyway, I'm head of the Dream Castle kitchens in the evenings, baking sweet treats for all the ponies who live here. I so love making sugary candies and cookies for all my friends.

I had a pretty ordinary childhood, sad to say- nothing fun or exciting like Fizzy or Wind Whistler. Daddy was a soldier in the army and a baseball player for Dream Valley, and mama was a baker in the royal kitchens. They were always so kind to me when I was little; mommy making me yummy cakes and pastries, and daddy picking me up a new dolly with exotic outfits in every foreign land he visited. They taught me it was important to be nice to everyone, and I've always tried to live up to that, no matter how mean or pushy the ponies or people around me can get.

I guess that paid off in my teen filly years... no one ever picked on or bothered me. I kind of made friends with the other fillies at the castle, who liked making yummy treats like I did- Gingerbread and Cupcake. The three of us always had a tray of yummy rice krispies treats ready when the football team was done with a game, or for the younger elementary school classes after their lessons were done. We always so loved making those around us laugh and smile!

I'm always whispering when I talk, and I never ever raise my voice unless I am pushed to the breaking point. I don't like being mad at anyone or anything, and I quickly forgive anyone whose done something bad to me- I mean, what's the point in being angry, and yelling, and fighting, when all it does is make everyone miserable? Life's too short to be unhappy for long, and I'd rather play a game, or do another ponies's mane, or play with dollies, or have girl talk at a sleepover with friends than pick fights all the time.

Friendship and fun are what being a pony is all about, but I don't think many ponies get that any more. Surprise likes playing her means pranks all the time, like when she slipped too much yeast into the batter for the cake I was baking, and made it explode in my face when I pulled it out of the oven. Or like with Truly and her nasty mouth, like when I made her a whole plate of Bon Bons and took them to her room as a surprise treat. She spent a whole hour yelling at me about 'spoiling her diet', and she used words that would make Salty the sailor blush with shame!

Why do other ponies have to be so mean? My mama said mares and fillies should be kind, gentle, and sweet to other ponies- with pretty make up and ribbons, of course- not these arguing, angry meanies who are always fighting with me and each other. I mean yeah, I'll stand up and get mad if some bad guy threatens the herd. But why tear each other apart over silly little pointless things? I'll never understand all of this pointless bickering.

I'm sorry about sounding so negative, maybe I could tell you about something nicer? Oh! Last week all us girly ponies in the castle went over to a slumber party at Wind Whistler's apartment- Chief had taken their daughter Moondream to Luna Park in bright valley for a few days, you see- and we all brought something yummy to eat, and had a big party! Bow Tie did all of our manes up in ribbons and curls, while Fizzy braided our tails!

We were played a game of truth or dare, where Twilight admitted Tornado was the only guy she had ever kissed, or- you know, the stuff that makes me blush- with. Then Heart Throb broke out her extensive doll collection, and we all sat around in a circle, combing their manes and trading tips on how to clean and restore pony dolls. Then I made us some s'mores, and Paradise told ghost stories!

Unfortunately, those mean tomboy ponies came in, and decided to spoil all the fun! Applejack and Firefly fed a long hose down through the roof while we were all having a pillow fight, and Gusty used her magic to turn on the water and let us all have it! Our whole lovely evening, along with our pretty makeovers and dolls we had worked on, were all washed away in a torrent of water the Tomboys had unleashed upon us as a cruel prank. We could hear Cherries Jubilee and Magic Star's laughter from the roof, thinking they had gotten the better of the frilly fillies and their sissy stuff.

But my fellow ladylike didn't take this disgrace hooves down, oh no! Fizzy trapped those un-girly ruffians in a series of bubbles, and floated them down into the room with us. Then, Glory and Posey pulled out the lipstick, dresses, and mascara, and it was MAKEOVER TIME! It was so funny seeing Whizzer and Shady covered in all that makeup, and the great Firefly, all dolled up in a frilly evening gown! They all went galloping away in embarrassment, while we all collapsed to the floor in laughter. That was so much fun!

I wish more ponies knew how to have fun like that, instead of arguing and bickering all the time. I wish everyone could see that good times and friendship are the real magic, and- oh dear, look at the time! I'm so sorry I kept you some long, with my dumb chattering! Please forgive my silliness, but I need to be on my way now! Let yourself out of my apartment when you're done- oh, and feel free to take any of the cookies I made in the fridge home with you- don't worry, they're all low fat! Anyway, I'll see you around the castle sometime, if you ever decide to visit again! Bye!


End file.
